Pre-Birth Musings
July 30th, 2001
I have officially entered into the last stage of pregnancy I call “Babywatch”. Quite self explanatory, we are watching for the baby to come out and say hello. I grew up thinking that it would be easy to know when labor started. You’d be going about your daily business, feel a contraction, know exactly what it was and head off for the hospital where you would give birth right away. How many movies back me up on this point? Steel Magnolias! Same Time Next Year! I Love Lucy for god’s sake! Or your water would break and you would know for sure that this is labor. Did you know that only ONE in TEN women will have her waters break as a sign of labor? Well, hell……
How is it really? Something like this : Wow, I’m feeling a little crampy let’s see what happens if I walk around. Oh, they get worse, I’ll sit down. They’re still there. Let’s look in the pregnancy book. Hmmm…. It’s all very vague. Do they intensify with walking around? Yes. Do I have a backache? Yes, but I’ve had a backache for a month. Do I urinate a lot? Geez, what a stupid question! I think I’m hungry, I’ll eat some cereal. Ow, that one was worse. Let’s see should I time these? Nah, I’ve got 3 weeks to go. Oog, now I’m nauseated maybe I’ll take a bath. The baby’s really active, maybe I should tell my husband what’s going on. No, he’s stressed enough as it is. Besides, I have 3 weeks to go. How long has this been going on? I felt the first one around 5 hours ago, and they seem to be regular. Maybe I should call someone? No, I don’t want to bother anybody, besides, I’ve got 3 weeks to go. Well, wait a minute. 2 weeks either way means I’m only a week early. Oh gosh, these hurt. Nobody told me to expect a BURNING pain. Strong menstrual cramps, that’s what they said. Is my suitcase packed? I’d better pack it. No I should sit down. No I should call somebody. I’ll sit down and then I’ll call somebody. I’ll sit down and take the phone with me in case they don’t stop. They haven’t stopped. Okay let’s call the maternity ward so they can tell me if I’m in labor or not.
I’ve done the above scenario twice now. Once on the 21st of July and once last night. Each time I was indeed having contractions. The 21st I was dehydrated. I drank a bunch of water and was sent home with instructions to rest and drink water. Last night, I was again declared mildly dehydrated. How can I be dehydrated? I drank 12 glasses of water today! I’ve been checking the color of my pee! I sat down as soon as I felt cramps coming on. I sat in the bathtub for an hour and a half. I went to the hospital and was given 1 liter of fluid I.V. and an injection to stop my contractions. They want Zoë to cook a little while longer.
And so, Babywatch continues.
July 31st, 2001
I’ve come to the conclusion that part of me is ready to have this baby and another part of me is really not. My body seems to want to push the wee one out but my brain says “Wait wait! I’m not ready!”
I’m also going through that stage where I’m looking back on my pregnancy and seeing all the stuff I didn’t do right. I didn’t eat enough vegetables., I didn’t take my pre-natal vitamins every single day. I didn’t exercise enough. I used hair spray. I ate cheese. These thoughts all congeal into one big fear: Oh my god I’m going to have a mutant baby and it’s going to be my fault! But she’ll be smart enough to understand that I’m the one who did this to her and be resentful and angry for the rest of my life.
My mother points out to me that it’s sort of amazing that the world isn’t populated with idiots as many women don’t follow what the U.S. says you should do during pregnancy. My grandmothers didn’t stop smoking, drank beer, ate whatever they wanted and just drank an extra glass of milk while they were pregnant. Of course, the generation born from these habits are the same people who brought litigation against Graceland Enterprises charging fraud because Elvis isn’t really dead.
Oh well, off to drink more water.
August 1st, 2001
Wow I was hungry yesterday. And craving mustard of all things, weird. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m nervous about leaving the house by myself in case my water breaks. I know I wouldn’t be the first woman this happened to but I’d rather not risk it.
No cramps the last couple days. Zoë continues to percolate.
August 2nd, 2001
Today was the first of our weekly appointments with our doctor. My cervix is shut tight and the baby is still riding high. However, I’m six days from what is considered full term. If I were to go into labor now they wouldn’t stop it, but wouldn’t stimulate it either. I was tired but hungry today.
It’s getting harder to switch between the 2 sleeping positions I have available. I can sleep on my right side or on my left side. If I do want to roll over I start out by relaxing and thumping onto my back. I lie there like a bug wondering if I’m ever going to be able to move again or will I need assistance. It’s actually comfortable on your back for a little while and then seven pounds of baby and a pound of fluid start to press on blood vessels and nerves and such making me feel obligated to change positions. And then one, two, three HEAVE over onto my other side. It’s a good thing I’m in bed because I actually have to rest after this exercise. I’ve had to start using the headboard to help myself roll over. If I need to get out of bed? Repeat the above steps if I’m not facing the right way. Scoot over to the edge of the mattress and swing my legs over the side, then push myself up with my arms, finally, stand up and head for the bathroom. If I want to get in bed? Crawl onto the bed on all fours, gently maneuver into a sitting position, slowly ease down onto one side or the other. Rest.
If I go down into a squat I can’t get out of it without assistance of some kind. Scott and I were at a toy store playing with a neat musical gadget and I realized I couldn’t push up out of the squat I was in with just my legs. Oh no! Luckily, the little table the toy was on was sturdy enough for me to pull up on. I could just picture Scott running off to look at some other cool thing while I was trapped in this one position because I was too embarrassed to ask him to help me up.
Still craving mustard. Still weird.
August 6th, 2001
Boy did I have a bad day Saturday. It seemed that my only desire in life was to sit in a mud puddle scowling. I sat around feeling like I was a general failure and a boring person to boot. Everything I liked to do was pathetic and no wonder I don’t have any friends. (Insert sounds of worms being eaten here.)
Darned hormones. I’m getting more and more crabby as my due date approaches. There’s stuff I’d like to do around the house but I lack the physical stamina and have to rest after completing only one quarter of said task. It’s getting difficult to reach the bottom of the washing machine and the top shelves of the cabinets.
I was walking across the living room the other day and caught sight of my reflection in the aquarium. Wow, I’m walking with my feet really far apart! No doubts as to whether I’m pregnant or not now!
And so we continue to continue watching for the baby to make her appearance. We are only 2 days away from being at full term so anytime after Wednesday is go for Zoe.
Later…..
Went out to run errands today. It seemed like everywhere I went someone was in my way. At Target I walked up to 2 different checkout lines only to have someone rush in front of me. I stood there for a second feeling frustrated and fat and then remembered something else we needed so it was a good thing I didn’t get in line. I tried to leave a stall in the bathroom but a lady was standing right in front of the door. After I hit her with the door I STILL had to say “Scuse me” to get her out of my way. I got trapped in aisles twice by women with carts at either end and as I was trying to turn out of an aisle this guy walked in front of my cart and stopped. He looked over at me and said “Oh, go ahead!” I’m nine months pregnant! How can anyone miss seeing me?
Oh chores! The fridge needs to be cleaned out, laundry needs to be done, the bathroom needs to be cleaned, *I* need to be cleaned. It seems like I can’t get my body clean enough. The bedroom is a mess and I just don’t have the energy to do anything else after my experience out in the world today.
Grump!
August 7th, 2001
Wow! Am I grumpy! I’m officially at full term tomorrow and have another doctor’s appointment on Thursday. We’ll see how all is progressing.
I’ve been giving in and napping in the afternoon. I’m still in nesting phase and wanting everything to be clean and perfect.
I was looking at my maternity underwear yesterday. Oh my god they are enormous. If I stitched all of my pairs together I could make a hot air balloon! And what did I get via e-mail today? An offer to get 5 free pairs of panties from Fredricks of Hollywood! Okay, that was funny!
I’m seriously lumbering when I walk and I have to take an extra second to prepare before hauling myself out of my car. More of the one, two, three HEAVE! Going on there.
On a lighter note. One of the families that lives on the other side of our building got a grey kitten not all that long ago. I know they have a boy and a girl but I only ever see their son playing with the kitty. He talks to it in a high pitched singsongy tone, like mothers talk to their babies. I’ll be sitting at the computer with the window open and I’ll hear “Baybee Bob! Come on kitty. I’m right here! Come on Baby Bob” It’s so cute I almost weep. It’s made cuter by the fact that this kid is built like a linebacker and there he is cuddling the kitty and talking baby talk to it.
The phone is ringing a lot with people checking in. When I’m super cranky I just don’t answer and let the machine pick up. I’ve got a couple of calls to return tonight.
Okay, off to nap.
August 10th, 2001
Went to the doctor yesterday. I’m dilated to one centimeter and 25% effaced. Which means I could go into labor anytime or not. Arrggh!
I’ve stopped waddling and started lumbering. I swear to god the entire building shakes whenever I put my feet down. I can feel my weight shifting from one side to the other. My balance is off too. If I lean too far backwards I almost lose it completely. I keep catching reflections of myself in windows and such and going “Oh my god! I’m really pregnant.”
It’s getting harder and harder to find a position that’s comfortable. Left side, right side, sitting in the recliner, sitting on the floor, sitting in the office chair, walking around. Each is good for about 10 minutes or so.
It dawned on me yesterday that I haven’t had any strangers walk up and put their hands on my belly. Relatives and people I know, but not strangers. I was all prepared with lines like: “Do I know you?” and touching the person’s face while they grope my stomach. Didn’t happen. Oh well, I will get to deal with people running up to our stroller to look at the baby.
Oh! I have a mom line. I’ve been practicing…. “You need that like a hen needs a flag!” I was practicing on Scott and he said “Hen? Are you referring to a chicken? Like a chicken needs a flag? Why don’t you just say chicken?” <sigh> [And she's started one of the other necessities of Motherhood - relating stories that make the Dad realize he's a dork. :) - Scott]
I’m rereading the Harry Potter books to help pass time and have enjoyed them greatly. I’m on to number three and hope that by the time I’m halfway through number four I’ll be able to take it to the hospital with me.
Later….
Well, it appears I’ve lost my mucous plug. Scott and I were at Coco’s for dinner and I went into the bathroom and that’s where I found it. I called Kathye on my cell phone and asked her how big it was supposed to be and she said “I don’t know I never lost mine.” Scott said later “this is going to suck if you go into labor, we’re supposed to go buy the digital camera tomorrow.”
My mom has apparently been answering the phone “Is it a baby?” I talked with one of her friends who confirms this. Mom and Dad are both planning on coming up for Zoë's appearance as well as my friend Kathye. How wonderful!
August 11th, 2001
Had a big day today. Scott and I took the Rocky with the car seat in it to make sure the seat is installed properly. A very nice guy named Randy put it in and gave us a quickie class on car seat safety. So, now we’ve got transportation taken care of.
Then we went out looking for a digital camera and a video camera. Scott got his review on Friday so we had some bonus money to work with. We drove down to Southcenter Mall and started at Sears, moved on to Tall’s Cameras, then to Best Buy and finally the Good Guys. Then we started all over and bought our video camera at Sears and our digital camera at Tall’s. Scott now has some toys to play with while we wait for Zoë. I was having some contractions after all the walking around we did today but they went away with rest.
My insomnia has come back with a vengeance! So last night I decided to try and get myself all ready to go to sleep. This included giving myself a facial and soaking my feet ending with a cool shower. The facial mask I use comes in a powder and you add water. First I put too much water in, then I was trying to tap more powder out and got a big gob. I ended up with enough green mud mask to do my face neck and chest. It also got all over the counter. Now I’m cursing “Dammit! I just cleaned this bathroom!” while trying to mop up Green Goddess Facial Clay Mask off the bathroom sink. So I’m walking around the apartment with green goop on my face trying to announce myself so I don’t scare Scott. He tends to wig out when he comes across me wearing my green face mask. After the mask was almost dry I put a moisturizing mask on my feet and hung them in the bathtub. Then I had to figure out how I was going to reach the faucet to rinse my feet off. After stretching and grunting I was able to turn the tap on and get my feet cleaned off. Then I took a shower to get all the green crud off. Since Scott and I both have so much hair our drain doesn’t work particularly well and there was a green crust on the bottom of the bathtub. I forgot to mention that all of this was taking place around 11:30 at night. I got myself all tuckered out making myself clean and moist. I collapse into bed and nothing happens. I can’t even toss and turn since I can’t roll over. Oh well…..
August 13th, 2001
I couldn’t sleep last night so I was poking around on the web and came across a baby name site. It had a listing from the Social Security Administration of baby names listed from most to least popular.
The top five:
Emily
Hannah
Madison
Ashley
Sarah
Zoë was the 80th most popular baby name in the year 2000 with Catherine right behind it at number 81.
The number of “K” names was astounding. Just in the top 200 (there were over 500 names listed) were Kayla, Kaitlyn, Katelyn, Kimberly, Kayle, Kelsey, Kennedy, Kiara, Kylie, Katie, Kristen, Karla, Kaitlin, Karina, Kendra, Kendall, Karen and Kathryn. Then there were celebrity names. Drew, Courtney, Calista, Lourdes, Gia, Jolie, Camryn and various spellings of them all. No babies named Madonna however. There were at least 3 different spellings of Destiny. 242 babies were named Unique. 317 named America, 270 named Princess (oh didn’t THAT just appeal to my feminist heart!) and 240 named Dallas. And that’s just girl names! Our second choice of name was Olivia from Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night. Olivia was number 16 last year. Here I thought we were being intellectual.
Names I didn’t see? Zelda, Nellie, Gertrude, Hortense, Whilomena, Guienevere, Gay, Ima, Ruth, Persephone or Aphrodite.
We, or rather, I was considering Zelda for the longest time. When someone would ask “What names are you thinking of?” I’d say “Zelda” there’d be this weird pause and then they would say “Oh”. Our friend Luis was the one who said “Oh please no.” So when Zoë asks why we named her Zoë I can say “Because Luis told us not to name you Zelda.”
I’ve been having irregular cramping in my belly for the last couple days but nothing from front to back or regularly spaced apart. I think we’re in the warm up.
August 15th, 2001
Well, we’ve been on babywatch for 2 weeks and my due date is still 2 weeks away. We’ve been walking for at least an hour every day. What’s happened? Not much. Still having mild cramping but no further progression.
I’ve got Shel Silverstein’s Whatifs dancing around in my head. What if the baby’s deformed? What if the cord is around her neck? What if my water broke but just trickled out and I didn’t know and now I have an infection? What if I don’t go into labor and have to be induced? What if I have to have 100 stitches? What if I’m reading all this wrong and the baby is in distress? What if I go into labor in the middle of the night? Augh!
I didn’t want to go into labor on Saturday because that was the day we went to buy our cameras. I didn’t want to go into labor on Sunday because I would have missed Sex in the City and Six Feet Under. (Scott said “We need to have a conversation about your television habits.” But Miranda’s pregnant and Frederico came back to the funeral home! You must understand!) So now we’ve had 3 days of being clear to go into labor. Nothing planned, nothing to miss. Scott’s taken a few days of vacation waiting for the baby to come and now I’m feeling guilty for not getting this thing going on.
We get about 6 phone calls a day asking how things are going. I’ve changed our answering machine message to say “We haven’t had the baby yet but if you’d like an update leave a message.” Give me a call you can hear it for yourself.
We went to the doctor today. I haven’t dilated any more. I’m no closer to delivering now then I was last week at this time. So now I’m sitting here trying not to feel like I’m failing everyone around me. I’d always heard that you went through that at the end of your pregnancy and thought “P’shaw! The baby comes when it comes!” Well, we’ve got friends coming from California Labor Day weekend and I know they were hoping the baby would be here but it looks like I won’t have any baby to show them. All I’ll have is my great big belly. Scott took this whole last week off thinking the baby was going to come any time.
I was sitting in front of the computer checking e-mail yesterday. The baby was really bouncing around and the energy I got from her was that she’s perfectly content. Nope, not coming out today mom.
Of course, she could just be running late. I’m sure she left all the important paperwork until the last minute and is now rushing around trying to get everything done. I have this picture in my head of a stork smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee and saying “You ready to go yet? We should have left an hour ago. I’m not doin’ this job for my health! Now my whole schedule’s messed up!”
According to my dad, my mom has been passing the time buying Zoë outifts. She’s described some of them to me and they sound wonderfully adorable.
My official due date is the 29th of August. My doctor likes to plan ahead and has scheduled me to be induced on the 5th of September if things continue to not continue. So Scott is going back to work on Monday and I’m going to try and enjoy this last couple weeks of being able to do what I want to do and nap and rest.
Poo.
It dawned on me last night about 2 a.m. that I’ve spent the majority of this pregnancy being scared. I’ve been obsessing over this fact for the last couple of days. Worrying about the impact that this has had on Zoë. Is this why she’s not coming out? Will she be psychologically scarred for life because of my emotional state while I was pregnant with her? Have I messed this up already? Should I just find her a heroin connection NOW?
I have had periods where I’m very excited. But mostly, the Whatifs have been dancing in my ears and I’ve been scared.
I do know that when I was taking pregnancy tests back in December I was very sad when they weren’t positive (of course that for all of 2 days, but still!). I’ve had a grand time setting up the nursery and nesting. I’ve had the usual daydreams about having a perfect baby that laughs and sleeps and coos and has wonderfully long eyelashes that will star in several home videos before she’s six months old. I know that when I’ve been around babies for the last few years I itch to hold them. I know that I enjoy taking care of my goddaughters even when they are crying and unhappy and that maternal behavior comes very naturally to me. Maybe that’s the part that scares me. The fact that when my friend Kathye had her kids I had no trouble helping take care of them. Crying didn’t phase me, I changed diapers easily, I learned to read cues quickly. Am I just frightened of this mom ready to come out?
Or am I scared of letting my seventeen year old self go? The one who had burgundy hair, seventy-five pairs of shoes, drove an RX-7, dated her drama teacher and went nowhere without Marlboro Light 100’s, lollipops or her entourage (yes, I had an honest to god entourage.). The one who would be horrified at the fact that I’m looking forward to staying home to take care of Zoë.
As the due date rushes toward us (with inducement not far behind that, already scheduled you know) I’ve only got a couple weeks left to entertain all of this psychobabble I’ve been speaking to myself before getting down to business.
But today I think I’ll just play computer games with Scott.
I discovered that unless Zoë surprises us all and presents herself in the next 7 hours she’s going to be a Virgo. I looked up Virgo characteristics on the web and found the following quotes: Modest & shy, Meticulous & reliable, practical & diligent, intelligent & analytical, attentive to detail, perfectionistic, can become nitpicky or hypochondriacs. Now I have a picture of Zoë pointing to the calendar and saying “But it’s not the 29th! My due date is the 29th!”
Scott was told by our friend Brenda that, as a Virgo, Zoë will hand us our schedules and make sure that all the toys are picked up with everything in it’s proper place. She will explain in great detail how and why things need to be done a certain way. Let’s hope so! SOMEONE needs to be organized around here!
We’ll see if I go into labor on my due date. According to my mother I arrived on my due date with less than 24 hours of labor, a lot of which she did at her parent’s house. (My folks stayed with my grandparents the first week or so of my life.)
My goddaughter Alyssa made me laugh today. I was talking to her mom on the phone about noon today and Alyssa said “You are not giving me attention! You are making me mad!” She just turned three. I told Kathye that we can’t fault her for being unclear.
I was planning on doing a purification cleansing of the house. However, it involves peeling nine lemons during the full moon and then washing the floors, windows and rinsing all the drains with the lemon water. Since the full moon just passed and I don’t have that many lemons I’m just going to give everything a good dust and burn some white candles. I’ve also opened up the windows to let the rainy air in. I always liked the clean smell of rain.
If you want a good laugh go to the site for the Utah Ghost Hunters Society www.ghostwave.com. This is a mother and son duo with no parapsychology training. They take a video camera and a hand held tape recorder to haunted places and cemeteries. After recording sounds they go into the lowest frequency of sound and then, and these are their words, “tweak it” so you can understand what the spirits are trying to say. The sound editing set up is the same thing Scott has on his computer right now. I saw them on The Learning Channel or something and when I heard this I turned to Scott and said “Can’t you take any sound and make into whatever you want if you mess with it enough?” He simply said “Yes” I find them hysterical. If you like ghost stories they do have a nice collection of submitted experiences to browse through.
I need to go drink more water.
We had another doctor’s appointment today. I’m not dilated any more but I’ve lost a couple pounds. This can be what’s called “lightening” which occurs just before birth or maybe I’m just not eating as much. Dr. Gong stripped my membranes which involves loosening the bag of waters from the cervix. She’s continuing to encourage us to try and get things started. We came home and Scott left for work. I decided that I was going to clean up the bedroom and got it into my head that I wanted to flip the mattress. Scott forgot his badge and came back as I was in the middle of maneuvering our California King mattress from one side to the other. I was scolded.
What can we do to try and get labor started? Here are some things I’ve read and/or been told to try:
-walking
-squats
-sex
-a salad made with endive, romaine lettuce and balsamic vinegar. The recipe gives strict instructions not to feed this to men as they just don’t know what would happen.
-going for a bumpy car ride.
-using a breast pump
-holding babies
There is also a school that says give yourself a good case of the runs using castor oil and that’ll make the baby come out! Um, ugh!
Scott is convinced that Zoë is going to have to be evicted.
August 24th, 2001
I asked Scott the other day, “You’re not going to get Elvis Syndrome are you?”
He replied “You mean take a lot of pills and wear jumpsuits? I wasn’t planning on it.”
I explained “No, no. When Pricilla had Lisa Marie Elvis couldn’t feel passionate about Pricilla anymore because she was a mother and that’s a holy thing. You can mess around with your wife but you can’t mess around with someone’s mother even if it’s still your wife.”
Scott said “The baby’s not even here and I’m already looking forward to getting away with you for the weekend. I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.”
He’s such a dear man, he puts up with so much.
August 25th, 2001
The baby’s been asking for carbohydrates the last couple of days. Mashed potatoes, pasta and toast with brown sugar on it. Hmmmm….. Makes ya wonder don’t it?
Anyway, my due date is only 4 days away and I’ve become hyper-sensitive to everything that goes on with my body. I’m constantly aware of every twinge and stretch.
My pregnancy has been very easy and really by the book so I have no reason to believe that my labor and delivery will be anything else.
Anytime now…….. Whenever you’re ready……..
August 26th, 2001
I found something new to be paranoid about! We have spiders in our apartment. I woke up in the middle of the night last week with an itch, it turned out to be a spider crawling on me. What possessed me to tell Scott about this? I have no idea. Now when we go to bed we both lie there thinking we have spiders crawling on us. My dry skin being itchy doesn’t help. I’ve become obsessed with fear that the spiders will bite the baby. I keep vacuuming, what else can I do?
I’m still feeling the need to apologize to everyone for not going into labor. How is anyone supposed to plan if I’m not cooperating? How can Scott decide when to start taking off work? Plane reservations need to be made! Baby clothes need to be purchased! Lives are on the line here!
I’ve almost decided to become voluntarily immobile. We’re still walking in the evening but I’m needing to rest more and more. I end up sweating after only ten minutes or so also. It’s gotten to the point where sometimes the only position I’m comfortable in is lying on my left side. Sometimes in bed, sometimes on the floor, sometimes on the couch, depends on how my back feels at the time.
We bought Zoë a little black velvet dress a few days ago for when she’s older. It’s cut like a swing coat and has zebra striped trim. We also got a black velvet beret to match. Too Cute! I’ll get her picture taken in it if she’s not able to wear it at holiday time.
©2001/2002 W. Scott Snyder and Amanda N. Snyder, All Rights Reserved