September 11th, 2001 was a Tuesday. The next day would be the 2 week anniversary of the day they cut our daughter out of my body. We were still afraid to hold her with one arm or leave the house without an enourmous amount of supplies. I had left the entry "The Day's Headlines" in her baby book blank. The headlines the day she was born were about a woman who'd perched herself on a freeway overpass, contemplating the forty foot drop. The freeway was ultimately closed because of the cars going by with their drivers shouting "Jump! Jump!" I hadn't wanted to write that particular memory down. That Tuesday we didn't want to put our new girl-child down. We carefully passed her back and forth, alternating looking at people dying on television and the gorgeous gorgeous day outside.

I knew that there were women in labor that day. In the hospital room where my cervix refused to open up, in the rooms where my godchildren were born and amist the chaos of New York City women were waiting to push babies out into the newly frightened world. What did those babies mothers' write under "Headlines"? Did they paste a picture of the Twin Towers there? Did they write poetry? Or did they simply write "September 11th, 2001" and assume understanding?

I can only imagine the resentment and guilt of welcoming such joy on a day that will be met with tears and silence. At least, tears and silence until time enough passes to turn it into a day of picnics and sports events. How many times will those mothers hear the sympathetic "Oh........" in response to hearing their child's date of birth?

My husband made us turn off the television and we walked outside, the baby safely harnessed into her stroller. She dozed. Unaware that her parents, along with so many others, were wondering if it had been a mistake, bringing the perfect baby into the perfectly insane world.

Our daughter is a year old now. I could go on for months about the roller coaster ride that has been. She's starting to walk and talk. I wonder if she'll ever ask me about it. If she'll have a class assignment to ask her family where they were. Will any of her classmates say "My mom was having me."?
posted by Amanda Snyder at 9:37 AM

Um, just so you know. I use some strong profanity in this post. Just warning you, okay?

August is getting ready to end and I am eternally grateful for that. It hasn't been a BAD month but it's been really, really hyper. Starting on the first: Debbie and Jodi came and stayed a couple days, then we did the filk convention in L.A. and we spent a day doing Disneyland. I had two days and my brother-in-law Bryan came to stay for about a week. I had two days and I left for the desert with my parents. I'm home and we're throwing the baby a birthday party on Saturday. In addition to all of the above which needed time, energy and money, we had unexpected expenses come up. So, every dollar counts this week. Oh, yeah, a feeling I so enjoy. To top it all off Zoë woke up with a fever yesterday morning around 5:30 a.m. Scott took her downstairs and held her so she'd sleep. Her temperature wasn't that high, around a hundred, so I let Scott take the car to work. I called Kathye to tell her we couldn't come over and why. I thought we'd stay home in the air conditioning and I'd keep her on breast milk and let the fever run it's course and burn out whatever bug she had. All she wanted to do was be held and nurse and doze. She ate a little around 11:00 but she wasn't really acting like herself. Around 1:00 I took her temperature again because she felt hot to me. The digital thermometer under her arm read 102.7, add a degree for under the arm and you get almost 104. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. I gave her a double dose of Tylenol and gave her a lukewarm bath. She screamed and cried when I put water on her back. I called Scott and told him I thought I should take her to the doctor. He said that I should call and see if someone could take us before he left work as it would take him an hour to get home. I called my mom's office and left a message before I remembered that her regular assistant is in Europe with her boyfriend and mom probably couldn't leave. I called Kathye, found out that her husband wasn't working from home that day and said "Okay, never mind I'll call 'Nise." Kathye says "What's wrong." I tell her the baby's temp is up and I need to take her to the doctor but Scott has the car, but Kathye has her kids so I'll call 'Nise. Kathye says "I'll be there in 20 minutes." and hangs up on me. I talk to the dead line for 15 seconds before I realize she's gone. While she's on the way I hear from my mother. She's distressed to hear that the baby is sick and calls my dad. My dad calls to see if I need anything. I tell them both that my friend is on the way and it will be fine. Kathye, Alyssa and Derrick come get us and we go off to Urgent Care. I prefer going to Urgent Care in the late afternoons, even though it's $20 more out of my pocket, because trying to get in to see her pediatrician that late in the day (it was 3:00 by the time we left) is close to impossible and involves 90 minutes in the waiting room and 20 minutes in the exam room. Urgent Care can have me out the door in 45-60 minutes. Zoë perks up in the waiting room. I tell the receptionist "She's been crying all day, I swear." Her temperature is down to 102.5. She gets a dose of Motrin. After all the exams no one seems to know what's wrong but they give me some antibiotcs and I tell the last nurse I see that I feel like an overreactive idiot. She assures me that it's better if I bring her in than not bring her in at all or wait too long. I find Kathye and tell her what a dope I feel like and start crying. We pile in the car to go to the pharmacy and then we go home. I call Scott and my parents. My parents both individually put me through the third degree as to why I didn't have the car.
Zoë is acting her usual self today.
posted by Amanda Snyder at 9:48 AM

Six days in the desert and neither of us is sunburned! Amazing. We had a very nice time. We went swimming two or three times a day, took nice long naps and went to dinner. It wasn't as hot as it usually is in August, only around 100 instead of 110 or 120. For some reason the most entertaining spot the entire week was the grocery store.

Things we witnessed at the grocery store:

Five people, each with a cart, all speaking French to each other. Each of their carts was almost full. They would park all of their carts in one ailse and have loud conversations while taking things off shelves and then putting them back.

A girl wearing sunglasses inside because she's crying. She's saying to the people with her "You just don't have any food that I can eat." They were in the checkout line next to me and she was looking at all the stuff coming down the conveyor belt saying "I can't eat that. I can't eat that. I can't eat that."

A man and wife. The wife is probably sixty with a good plastic surgeon. She's got on this J.Lo. outfit, flared spangled jeans and a halter top with high heels (this is at 3 in the afternoon) and lots of diamonds and make up. Her husband keeps walking down to the end of ailses to find someone who works in the store. When he spots one, instead of walking up to them and saying "Excuse me, I'm having trouble finding...." he just shouts in their direction "Where's the salt and pepper!?" They were in front of me in line. Among other things they were buying a case of Amstel Light and six pack of Tab. When the wife swiped her credit card through the reader the man starts to tell her that she shouldn't have done that, she has to wait until the checker's done ringing everything up, why'd she do that if she's just going to have to do it again? They got into a big Lexus and drove away.

I went with my mom to an upscale bedding store as she's looking for a new bedspread for the new house. She found one she liked but they didn't have the shams. My mom really want to see the bedspread and shams together before she buys the set. They had the shams at their Fashion Island store but not the spread and they could have them sent out for my mom to look at but they couldn't guarantee that they'd be there by Friday. Also, my mother would have to pay a ten dollar transfer fee. Or, she could just buy the spread and then go to Newport Beach and buy the shams. (You can't return anything by the way.) Or they can special order the shams, but the soonest they'd see them is in October and that's only if the manufacturer is making that style this year. Then she'd have to come out and pick them up. We left without buying anything.

Still we had a very nice relaxing time and no one even noticed my legs. Once again my fears are completely unfounded.

Now I just have to get through the baby's birthday party.
posted by Amanda Snyder at 7:27 AM

Well, we are off to the desert tomorrow. I was talking to Scott on the phone today and he asked if I was ready. I replied, "No, I haven't shaved my legs yet." I had this long list of stuff I had to do to prep my bod for a weekend with lots of pool time. Shave, pluck eyebrows, paint finger and toenails, condition hair, cream elbows and knees, exfoliate entire body. I haven't done one of those things and now I'm feeling like I'm about to walk into a formal ball in a dirty t-shirt. I long to be one of those women who never shaves, wears a thong bikini and says "Who cares if I'm a size 24? Deal with it!" Alas, I have not reached that level of confidence, or at least brazeness, yet. I have a bathing suit with a skirt on it. I'll watch my mom obsess about what she eats. I'll listen to her talk about what size she wants to be by the time her friend Jean gets married. (My mother has already bought her dress for the wedding. It doesn't fit her now. It will fit after she loses 10-15 pounds. This is what my mum is like.). Meanwhile, I'll take the baby swimming and order dessert after dinner and wonder if people are thinking mean things about me.
posted by Amanda Snyder at 11:10 PM

It's been really hot here again. In the high 90's by ten in the morning. Around this time of year is when I start to tire of the California weather. Clear and hot? I've had plenty thanks. Today I was trying to think of excuses to go to Pavilion's grocery store by myself as they have a walk in beer refrigerator and I wanted to go stand in it. I find reasons to drive around with the air conditioner in the car on full blast. I'm all ready to start shouting "I've had ENOUGH of this HEAT!" So what am I doing this weekend? Going to Palm Springs with my parents. Projected highs? 120 degrees farenheit. But it's a free trip and we can just stay inside.
posted by Amanda Snyder at 9:43 PM

Zoë is feeling better but I've picked up her bug. Post nasal drip with a big dose of tireds. I'm taking advantage of Scott being home and napping. Oh! To nap in a bed with no one else in it. To sprawl over the mattress, arms and legs akimbo, taking up as much space as possible, is such bliss. To be able to snore with no one to poke you in the ribs whipering "Shut up!" To wad up pillows in any fashion you chose and stir up the sheets into one luxurious nest of cotton. How I miss it!
posted by Amanda Snyder at 2:05 PM

Okay, life is MUCH better around here. Zoë's cold is clearing up. We're enjoying spending time with Bryan. Dan and Dawnise came over last night and we all had a good time. We're going to get some more fish for the fish tank today. I've been able to keep up with the dishes. The air conditioner works. My parents have agreed to sponsor the baby's Gymboree classes for the next three months. Scott loves me. Life is good.
posted by Amanda Snyder at 3:31 PM